The concept of “Standing in Love” rather than “Falling in Love” is discussed in Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving. On page four of The Art of Loving, Fromm says,

“The third error leading to the assumption that there is nothing to be learned about love lies in the confusion between the initial experience of “falling” in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, of “standing” in love. If two people who have been strangers, as all of us are, suddenly let the wall between them break down, and feel close, feel one, this moment of oneness is one of the most exhilarating, most exciting experiences in life. It is all the more wonderful and miraculous for persons who have been shut off, isolated, without love. This miracle of sudden intimacy is often facilitated if it is combined with, or initiated by, sexual attraction and consummation. However, this type of love is by its very nature not lasting. The two persons become well acquainted, their intimacy loses more and more its miraculous character, until their antagonism, their disap- pointments, their mutual boredom kill whatever is left of the initial excitement. Yet, in the beginning they do not know all this: in fact, they take the intensity of the infatuation, this being “crazy” about each other, for proof of the in- tensity of their love, while it may only prove the degree of their preceding loneliness.”

“Standing in love” does sound much better, and more stable. Falling in love sounds more like losing yourself, what most people fear. While, standing in love seems to be remaining yourself– your stable, conscious self; while also giving yourself completely and willingly, and naturally to another human being, thus making two become one, while simultaneously still remaining unique individuals. That’s what I believe Fromm meant by wanting to change the term from “standing” in love rather than falling. Being in a fully loving relationship, both parties should be aware, and fully understanding that yes, what we they have is amazing, however it is not a miracle that the two met when they did, or fell as fast as they did. It was fate, and the mutual understanding is exactly what brought the two so close, so fast

Understanding that a miracle’s are able to happen is one thing. However, using it as an excuse, or a justification to not let out all of your love and energy to another is something worth no pity. Receiving energy is good, however returning it should also be something worth living for. A miracle doesn’t mean everything will work out. A miracle must be worked on until the end. It must be nurtured, cared for, and watered like a plant so it is able to continue to grow. Yes, miracles may occur, however you are able to create your own sorts or miracles as well.

“Standing in love” is about working on yourself as an individual, and being able to while still being in a relationship. Both parties should be able to be themselves, their curious, always growing and always learning selves, while still giving their all possible to another human being. Working on yourself also means working on “yourselves” as one. Standing in love is not about giving anything up, it is about giving because you want to– not because you feel obligated too. Giving also doesn’t mean giving up when things get rough. Communication is key to working things out, and also help prevent useless arguments from occurring. Everyone’s feelings matter, and being able to communicate them within a relationship will get you far.

Being in a stable, real relationship, or standing in love, should make you set goals, have aims and aspirations. You should want to be yourself, independent, but also dependent on your significant other, because you trust them, it feels right, and you have the right too! Standing in love should make you want to be your best self, aka YOURself, no matter who that may be. Being yourself is the best thing you can do at all times, and being completely comfortable around another person, enough to do almost anything is the goal. Goals should be set for you, individually, but also with your significant other in mind. If success is what you are aiming for, be smart enough to know that this relationship is one of the greatest things that you two could ever possess, individually and mutually. Together, maintaining, and helping this relationship to healthily grow and develop is success in itself.

 

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